My husband is leaving me. No, not in the way you may think. He’s not leaving in a flash of anger and torrent of hurtful words. Or in the frozen tundra of a quiet apathy. Sometimes, I think those would be easier to handle. No…he’s leaving me in pieces. Bits of memories and chunks of reasoning. Moments of brain fog and utter confusion. One brain cell at a time.
No, there’s no diagnosis…yet. Yes, he’s aware. Sadly, he’s acutely aware. Yes, we’re pursuing a diagnosis. But these things take time. The first step was a neurologist. The neurologist’s first step was to order a sleep study. Sometimes, sleep apnea, in severe cases, can mimic dementia.
Ah, yes, there’s the word that is so scary. Dementia. For now, it stays in the recesses of our brains, taunting us, frightening us, remaining largely unspoken. But, it’s never far from my consciousness.
So, what to do? Well, we wait. We wait on the doctor to order the right tests. We wait on the test results. We wait for symptoms to increase, or ebb. We pray. We pray that we’re imagining things. Or blowing them out of proportion. Mostly, we trust.
We’ve been here before, you know. Stuck between a set of weird symptoms and doctors who don’t seem to know what to do. I’ve written about it. That diagnosis was MS. But, the devil didn’t get the final word – God did. He healed Keith. We’re at about 12 years healed. Just as God healed Keith then, He can again. And, yes, I have plenty of faith. But, as I’ve written before, He doesn’t always choose to heal. What then? I still have faith – that God is in control and He knows best.
So. Here we are. Waiting. Trusting. Believing God’s promises. Believing that if God allows this, He will use it for good.
In the book of Job, when everything was taken from him and he was struck with boils, head to toe, Job’s wife told him to curse God and die. Job refused. He said, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” (Job 2:10, NIV). The verse then goes on to say, “In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.”
And that is how we feel. There will be those who will be angry. And, although I occasionally have those moments, that’s not where I reside. Because, the truth is, God has blessed us tremendously. Our daughter just graduated high school. Our son is moving up to 5th grade. We have friends and family who love us. We have a new home. We have jobs. God has been good to us. He has never left us or forsaken us and we don’t expect Him to start now. We will continue to praise Him, love Him and serve Him. And trust Him to use this for good, somehow. We ask you to join us in our belief that, no matter what, God is good.
Be blessed and tell someone you love them.