The Pit Revisited

I have vowed to write this blog with honesty and transparency. I have shared my struggles in hopes that someone else could be helped by the lessons God was teaching me. But I haven’t written lately. I haven’t been able to bare my soul. I didn’t want you to know. I’ve felt God urging me to write. And I’ve resisted.
Until today.
This morning, I heard the song “Even If” by MercyMe and it broke me. The lyrics are:

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

And right now, right now I’m losing bad

I’ve stood on this stage night after night

Reminding the broken it’ll be alright

But right now, oh right now I just can’t

It’s easy to sing

When there’s nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I’m held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know You’re able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don’t

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know You’re able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don’t

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You’d just say the word

But even if You don’t

My hope is You alone

You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

‘Cause I know You’re able

I know You can

I know You’re able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don’t

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt

Would all go away if You’d just say the word

But even if You don’t

My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul
You see, I’ve avoided writing because I’ve been in a place I never thought I’d visit again.
Depression.
I hate even typing it out for you to see. I’d rather hide behind the disguise of “everything’s okay.” But it’s not. I’m not.

God used this song to remind me that He has a job for me, even on the days that I don’t feel it. His truths haven’t changed.
The last time I visited the pit, I didn’t think I’d make it out alive. Most days I didn’t want to make it out alive. Life hurt too much. But then, God helped me. And Psalm 34:4-5 became my life verse. “I sought the Lord, and He answered me, And delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, And their faces will never be ashamed.” (NASB). I came out of the pit an entirely different woman! This caterpillar had shed her cocoon and spread her wings and learned to fly.

Fast forward almost 8 years and here we go again. I’m not sure what happened. Life, I guess. 
When I realized that I had slipped into that dreaded place again, I did what I had promised if the occasion called for it. I took myself to the doctor for medicine to help the physical symptoms. And I took the advice of a friend and went to a counselor. 
The meds are helping take the edge off, the tears at bay, and the mood slightly elevated. The counselor is a Christian counselor and pastor and is helping me with the emotional and spiritual aspects of the depression. My wings haven’t regrown, but I live with the hope that soon, I’ll be soaring again.
I don’t tell you all this for sympathy. In fact, as I pointed out earlier, I have avoided telling it. But I believe someone may be helped by my transparency.
Know this: I know that God is good. All the time. He loves us with an unshakable, unchangeable, everlasting love. His promises are still true. Right now, my favorite is that He will never leave or forsake me. I know He alone is my hope. 
So. Enough about me. How are you? Is life shaking your faith? I understand. God is faithful. Trust Him to see you through the mess. And if you’re not struggling, walk with someone who is. Help bear their burden. Love them. Pray for them. And remind them of God’s promises. You may just be the calm voice in their storm.
Be blessed and tell someone you love them.

Even If

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About meanderingswithgod

I Write. It’s what I do. It’s as vital a part of me as breathing. I write when I’m happy. I write when I’m sad. I write when I don’t understand. Or when I understand a little too clearly. I write when God’s speaking to me. And when I’m speaking to Him. And, more often than not, it comes out in rhythm and rhyme. In my words, you’ll find laughter and tears, pain and triumph, confusion and clarity. In my words, if you bother to search, you’ll find me. So, it is with both excitement and trepidation that I begin. This blog. This writing that’s been so long coming. My words. God’s words. Don’t worry, you’ll be able to tell the difference. Mine are clumsy, His are eloquent. I hope, as you read my verbal meanderings, that you’ll be blessed and find yourself searching for Him.
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6 Responses to The Pit Revisited

  1. Your authenticity is going to help someone. Although I have never suffered from depression, I know those who have and it is a hard road. Thank-you for being brave. God bless you on the road as you journey toward the light. You are loved all along the way.

  2. Vim says:

    Dear water walker, you are walking with God! Your posts are an amazing. When you think you are sinking, remember He’s right there to pull you back like Peter. There’s one more thought he reminds me to share with you – a diver would jump into the depths of the sea to retrieve a priceless pearl. You are the precious Pearl, He will seek and find you and restore the joy of salvation in your heart.

  3. Vim says:

    Correction: Your posts are all amazing 🙂

  4. Paula says:

    Love you sweet friend. Praying you see God in every struggle and know He is right beside you.

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